When Did We Get So Self-Absorbed?

Everything I see lately, or perhaps I have simply noticed it lately, discusses how to be happy and how to be successful and how to be various other things that have little to do with anything but our personal satisfaction. Please do not take that as meaning that personal satisfaction is a bad thing, to the contrary it is a wonderful thing. But none of these personal satisfaction pieces are about how we address the rest of society nor so much as an implication that positive interaction with the rest of society can bring personal satisfaction.

I suggest here that no one other than a blinding narcissist can glean happiness in life absent a positive and beneficial interaction with those around us. Though I am seeing that very few understand or use this to the benefit of society and their own satisfaction. It baffles me when it is really so simple: those that are rotten to others are simply never going to find peace and happiness. People that lie and cheat and steal are never going to be happy and comfortable in their own skin. No one can happily live in a complete vacuum and be satisfied with themselves and happy. This should be obvious to all of us, yet it evades so many.

If we treat society as extraneous garbage, all our “success” means is that we sit at the top of the garbage heap. This is not a “love all people at all times” position because that position is not only unrealistic, but a little ridiculous. Here is what I am suggesting: You see a friend that needs a hand, lend it. Change your schedule or make some accommodation so that you can lend that hand. You see a stranger that needs a hand and there is something you can actually do? Do it. It causes no pain and, in fact, you will find that you feel pretty good about yourself for lending a hand.

Overall, we are a very fortunate society and people. Very few of us that have a computer and can be reading this, want for food or shelter. Sure, sometimes it is harder to make ends meet than others, but ends generally meet. We have the wherewithall to lend that hand once in a while. We need to reach out to other humans, to chat with them and if we see something with which we can help, just help because you are a good person, not because you get something in return. Generosity of spirit may be a phrase that works. Good people do good thing for others simply because they can.

I am not saying that you should be giving your income to charities or churches or animal shelters, though certainly that is wonderful if you can. What I am saying is that we can be an asset to those around us. Those in our lives, yet we are so self involved and self-absorbed that we fail to see it. Lending someone your chain saw can be the way we are an asset, or maybe you know something about setting up a business that you can pass on to a friend or acquaintance who is struggling to figure out something you already know. Common decency and an openness to share what you know or can do with others that can make use of it is all that this is about. We seem to have forgotten that we should be and need to be doing this for others. It is not all about us. Me. Me. Me. It is not enough for a full and happy life. Them, them, them have to be part of the equation.

I said to a friend the other day that I have a rather diverse group of friends. Politically, economically, socially we are all over the spectrum. Only recently did it strike me what those friends have in common: Given the opportunity to do the right thing or the wrong thing, they will go for the right thing every time. I believe that we all need to do the right thing and some do. Others only do things for themselves, meaning that any aid to others is for something in return beyond the satisfaction of just helping someone out. I think those people have broken souls and no one can be happy with a broken soul, in my opinion.

Perhaps this self-absorbed attitude comes from technology and not dealing face to face with actual humans anymore. I know that in the last decade, I have seen far less decency from people toward each other. This, of course, is all about decency, and paying attention to what goes on with humans around you. Remember when men gave up their seats to women on the train or bus? When we held the door open for someone with a lot of packages? When someone dropped their packages we stopped to help pick them up? When the response was “what can I do to help” rather than, “oh, I wish I could help with that open, gaping wound by driving you to the hospital, but I am just so busy and have to run to the nail salon instead?”

I am asking something of you today. I am asking you to pay attention to everyone with whom you have contact. What do they clearly need with which you can be of assistance? I am not suggesting you ask them directly unless they are asking for help and you need to know in what way you can be of assistance. Instead, actually pay attention to what they are saying. What issues do they have for which you can be of assistance to them? Then present it and see if they will accept your offer of help. Sometimes you will find that it is just your ear to listen that is the help, sometimes a hug, sometimes bring your lawnmower because theirs is broken. You are seeing that these things do not have to be huge, just something that shows that you not only can help, but that you will.

One lesson that we are not directly taught, and should be, is that giving of yourself is not a diminishing act. It is, in fact, the opposite. Today and everyday, take some time to stop making everything about you and make it about someone else to share what you can with them that can relieve a smidgen of their burden.

Facebook Decorum

I tend to be very confused by how Facebook functions, but I am pretty clear on seeing out and out obnoxious behavior. Obnoxious, of course, is the ultimate form of rude, impolite and discourteous.

In public, face to face, people would never verbally assault others they way they do on Facebook, nor with the frequency. We all have opinions and positions on things, and surely we are entitled not only to have those opinions, but to voice them. Sometimes our opinions are extremely strong and we “face off” with someone who holds the exactly opposite view. Why do people on Facebook feel that they can attack the person with a different opinion? The answer, in my humble opinion, is a combination of a summary lack of courtesy, a lack of self control, a lack of ability to intelligently defend one’s position and, perhaps most importantly, it is not face to face. Our fingers start flying to say what we really want to say and while in real life we would have the decorum to bite our tongue or perhaps put forth a real defense to our position, the flying fingers win and the “post” key is too readily hit.

The defense I hear to this deplorable behavior is freedom of speech. Well, let’s digress a moment or two and discuss freedom of speech. There are some exceptions such as hate speech, yelling “fire” in a crowded theater when there is no fire, defamation, that sort of thing. Going beyond the exceptions, a primary purpose underlying freedom of speech is the free exchange of ideas, an open discourse, of without fear our government’s interference. The concept is remarkable and I take exception to its use as a punchline for rude remarks. Go ahead, be a blithering fool, but do not build your foundation on the falsehood that freedom of speech gives you the right to an unwarranted attack on someone. Let us have a courteous, albeit heated at times, discourse on a topic without an assault on those that do not agree with us. The point is, we should not have to defend ourselves because we should not be verbally (or textually) assaulted. Let us make use of our freedom of speech for its intended purpose, without fear of governmental interference. Freedom of speech protects no one from their own stupidity.

This forum of Facebook can be used for a real discourse on a topic where we can share and discuss various sides of any issue presented. What an incredible opportunity. I am tired of reading “you liberals are all the same,” or “you conservatives just don’t get it” or “my father can beat up your father.” It is a rude showing of someone’s own inability to have an intelligent conversation. Don’t get me wrong. I know how irritating idiots can be. I have certainly been tempted to give a verbal slap or two, but I have restrained myself from assaultive responses on most all occasions. I do my best to aim at an intelligent comment that is meant to elicit the same. I have done my best to be courteous and thoughtful toward others when discussions arise. Thoughtful in the literal sense.

It always comes down to the same thing. Do we want to be rude, discourteous and obnoxious or not? I say not. Given the opportunity, have an intelligent conversation, an exchange of ideas, being polite and receiving the same in return and perhaps learn, or teach something. If someone really has a need to hide their face and spew venom at people, remember response in kind serves no beneficial purpose. I like to discuss things, to read something that gives me a chuckle or sometimes I just want to share something with my friends.

I suggest we get a handle on our courtesies and politesse and treat people the way we would like to be treated. And, well, act our age. Be a good example and walk away from the keyboard if you can’t be.

Professional Courtesy – Judges I

I read something hilarious this morning which got me thinking about courtesy between professionals in the legal system. Oft referred to under the umbrella of professional courtesy, implying that it should be a higher, more educated version of courtesy. Trust me, it is not. In my prior life, I was a practicing attorney (I am not now while recovering from an injury), and courtesy at any level has become a thing of the past. I have decided to speak of courtesy, or lack thereof, and just plain bad form of judges, from my past experiences.

Let’s start with the simple concept of showing up on time. In the real world, when we are late, we apologize and generally explain our tardiness or failure to show. In the world of the practice of law, not so much.

There are, and I swear I am not making this up, Rules of Engagement for legal matters setting forth what level of priority a particular type of case or appearance has over other types. For example, trials trump all else and criminal trials trump civil trials. It is a pretty detailed set of Rules (NYCRR) and it is very clear. Often Court’s decide to ignore these rules by deciding that moving their calendar forward is more important than anything else (judges can be a bit narcissistic that way) which creates more chaos in the system than usual. It is, to say the least, rude and discourteous of the judge to do this, it also violates the Rules they are obligated to follow.

A friend and client comes to my office one day, a couple of years back, and he has to appear in court in another county a couple of hours away from my home county. I have a trial scheduled in my home county at the same time. Not problem, right? Rules of Engagement take over, I do the necessary affidavit (pre-engagement affidavit) and fax it to the court for my friend swearing to the trial already scheduled for the same time in another court and requiring an adjournment of that matter. The court actually calls me and tells me they will not give me an adjournment, to send my client alone (every time he has walked into this court without me he has been thrown in jail), that he will be advised of his right to counsel. I tell them he is aware of his right to counsel, he has chosen counsel and they have no alternative, pursuant to the Rules of Engagement, to grant my adjournment request. They say no.

I call the head judge’s office for that Judicial District, mention this guys name and the secretary says, “what has he done now?” There’s a clue, huh? They say they will “talk” to him about it. The “talk” has no effect on his decision to refuse adjournment. Now that I have this judge really ticked at me for going over his head, I cannot possibly let my client go alone. I convince them to allow attendance by phone (it will be no more than a two minute appearance), and I tell my trial judge what’s going on and ask for a break for a few minutes at 10 am from the trial to deal with the call. He, bless him, says okay. So it works out, but that is not the point. Rules of Engagement are, in part, the rules of courtesy between courts, between judges, to avoid exactly this.

I have also had the opposite happen when I have multiple trials going on at once and a second, or third one has engaged (started) before the first one has ended. It happens quite often because some trials do not go day after day until they finish. I have had a judge call an early lunch with a late return so I can finish trial number one during lunch hour, with the lunch hour case judge arranging that timeframe for me. Very decent of both of them, keeps two cases moving forward because everyone is being respectful and courteous of each other and their time schedules. This is how it is supposed to work.

Now, let me tell you how it is not supposed to work. Until the judge takes the bench, their calendar cannot start for the day. In the Court I speak of, cases are scheduled beginning at 8:30 am and on this particular day called “intake,” there are an average of fifteen to twenty cases scheduled every half hour. When your case is called, you are in the courtroom for a couple of minutes unless the judge or one of the attorneys is long winded and the court fails to control it. Then the entire timing for everyone is FUBAR. On this particular morning, I am sitting in the hallway of the courthouse with my client waiting for his case to be called. We were scheduled for 8:30. The hallway is packed. By 10 am, no cases have been called yet, so hallway is packed and the natives are getting restless. About 10:30, the judge walks by toward his chambers! He has yet to take the bench! I am saying a silent prayer that my client does not recognize the judge. He does.

I started counting the assigned counsel waiting for cases to be called, those assigned to indigent clients at the rate of $75 per hour. Those from the 8:30, 9, 9:30, 10 and 10:30 appearances. Forty-seven assigned attorneys in the hallway waiting. $3,525 per hour paid with your taxes for the judge to finish breakfast or whatever. On the taxpayer’s nickel and on the nickel of all the private clients there. The wait will be no less than two and a half hours, and assigned counsel will keep coming, and have to wait. It will end up about $10K of taxpayer money. And it is not uncommon for this judge to take the bench this late. Multiply this wasted tax money by a low estimate of three times a month, thirty-six times a year to a total of $126,900 a year for this judge to be late. The private clients waiting are paying between $250 to $400 an hour (more in some other counties) for this judge to be late. Do you think the words rude, impolite and ill mannered come even close to identifying the wrongdoing of this tardiness? Please also look at the subjects of his discourtesy in tardiness: all clients there, all attorneys there, every tax payer in the entire state and every other judge whose reputation is tarnished by being a part of the system that tolerates this. One judge, one court, one county. Makes one wonder what the real waste of taxpayer dollars is in my state for judges incapable of being on time, does it not? Professional courtesy, yeah, right.

I can see that there will need to be many more than one post on professional courtesy. Let’s just consider this the first in a series of rants.

Is Poor Parenting at Fault for Ill Mannered Children?

Once you have children, it is never, ever all about you again. You are the role model for your child. You are the teacher for your child. Your job has become to grow a little human being to the point of successful release into the universe with all of the skills you could possible have imparted on them for a positive and rewarding life. Your job is to make them welcome in the world by bringing them from their narcissistic little selves to well behaved, well rounded, well educated humans that no longer feel entitled to everything they demand simply because they demand it. If you are incapable of doing that, choose not to do that, or simply do not want to do that, then hire someone that will or don’t have children. Courtesy and manners are massive parts in all of this.

If your child keeps kicking the back of my seat on the plane and I turn around and look at you, the proper response is NOT to stare me down. The proper response is to stop the behavior immediately and be humiliated and apologetic. Sad you failed to teach your child such behavior is not acceptable before this, but it not my responsibility to suffer your failure. You failed to teach your child to be respectful/courteous to and of others. If you ruin my flight with your shoddy parenting, you should pay for my flight. If your child is running around the restaurant bothering diners, trust me, it is not cute. It is rude, showing a total lack of basic manners and courtesy in public. It is a child that has parents unable to control him/her and they have chosen to visit their blindly inept parenting upon the rest of us. I believe those parents should have to pay for dinner for all diners in the restaurant when they allow their child run around like animals. I believe if that was the rule, parents would keep a close handle on their children, or would leave them home to grossly misbehave toward staff paid for that purpose. This is not to say that there are not circumstances where certain poor behavior on a child’s part can be understandable, but there is no excuse for a parent’s behavior to be poor toward teaching a child proper manners.

The concept of proper parenting is simple, effectuating it seems to be the issue. Children mimic their parents’ behavior. If you punch things, your child will think punching things is acceptable behavior. It is not. If you are discourteous to those around you, rude to those around you, cruel to those around you and behave the same way toward your child you have taught your child this is appropriate behavior. It is not. If you allow your three year old to eat with their hands because it is simply easier in your harried life, you have taught this child that eating like an animal can be acceptable. It is not. So why are so many parents not teaching their children to behave in a way that welcomes polite, well mannered children into society? What has happened to parenting and how can we fix it?

Death, Disrespect and Decency

This is a pretty hot topic for me right now. My true love died recently and I have seen such poor, poor behavior from people that I am devastated and floored and a thousand other things. I will give you one example so you know from whence I come. The family (we were not married so I was of no consequence to them) refused to follow any of his final wishes. Obviously this is disrespectful to both of us, out and out rude to me, a bit hateful and seriously selfish. But that is not the worst of it. This “family” allowed a former girlfriend to stand all through calling hours acting as, I swear I am not making this up, “the widow.” Let’s just look at it from a standpoint of courtesy and manners. I believe that it is clear to any feeling, breathing human that discounting the woman the deceased lived with for years (me) and allowing someone else to hold herself out as the “widow” is impolite to the woman with whom the deceased was living and sharing his life and love. It also is cruel, hateful and lacking all sense of decency, but let’s start with impolite, because I make a serious effort here to keep my own polite in tact. This has been a learning experience for me that I hope will never be repeated, and the poor behavior is not limited to the family.

What I want this discussion to be about, and I do hope others chime in on the blog, is what proper, decent behavior is when someone loses an important member of their life. First, as soon as you can, express your heartfelt feelings for their loss to them as a matter of basic manners and kindness. The thoughtfulness of a meal brought to their home because it is really hard to cook when one is devastated, don’t you think? If you do not see the survivor right away, even a month later, have the common decency to give your condolences. Do not ignore it like it never happened. It did, and it was pretty huge. Send a card, show up at their door. Let them know that they are not alone. This is all not merely a showing of respect for them, but for the person that they, and you, have lost. I believe that is the next question one should ask oneself, and it is dependent upon your level of relationship with the decedent: What would the decedent want you to do in the face of their loved one being suddenly left alone and without them. From my recent experience, most people get over it all right away, in under a week, and never give another thought to the loved one left behind. That is hurtful and unintentionally unkind and, depending on your relationship with either party, rude. The loved one is not over it in a couple of days. They are not over it for a very, very long time. Yet they are forgotten by all but their dearest peeps.

If you have found yourself in the position of being a friend to someone that has died, and they leave a wife or husband or significant other behind, I believe there is a further obligation under the rules of courtesy. Let them know you’re thinking of them for awhile. Help fill the horrible void for them. Wouldn’t your friend want you to do that? To help the one they loved get through this terrible time? Perhaps you could extend an invitation to something so they know they have not been forgotten. Perhaps a moment to write a text message now and again just saying, “How you doing?” or “Wanted you to know I was thinking of you,” or “Just wanted to say hi” or, again, show up at their door. It doesn’t have to be anything big. Just an acknowledgment that they still exist and are thought of at a point when their life has been ripped apart and will never be the same again. Don’t remove yourselves from their life as well. I have one person decent and kind enough to check on me, and it means more to me than I could ever express. I count myself lucky to have someone in my life that actually has a soul. What say you? Agree, disagree? Do I expect too much of my fellow man?

How Do We Bring Courtesy Back?

Recently, I experience two catastrophic losses in my life. Both resulted in such a blinding showing of unkindness, discourtesy and rudeness that I could not then, and cannot now, fully wrap my head around such poor conduct. Along the way, we will discuss the conduct, but the reason for this blog is to prevent the problem at its source. Unkind, rude, discourteous and cruel do not manifest in someone, or an entire family, overnight. There has been a lifetime of refinement in this behavior.

Of course, you can choose to be discourteous, unkind, rude and cruel though there is no reason to believe that will benefit you or your family in a positive fashion as you travel through life. All of these behaviors make a person unwelcome in any situation involving civilized humans, those that actually have souls, compassion, empathy, feelings and proper upbringing. If this offends you, please read it again. And again. And again. Because your offense is telling of your fitting into the uncivilized human behavior.

I suggest, gentle reader, that we must stop the madness. We must act to end this lack of courtesy. Make no mistake. Unkindness, rudeness and unkindness are all factions of discourtesy. What say you?

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Honey on a Slice of Hope

Recently, I have been focused on raising awareness for a simple thing called kindness. It’s quite a simple word that we are all aware of, and yet we all have our own definitions for it. To some it means something as simple as loving the people around you, to others it means helping the needy. The underlying meaning behind the word that everyone is aware of, is that it means being nice to mankind. We’re all fighting a battle in this world, whether it is with our own souls or with someone else so we might as well be kind to others who are going through the same things as us – just in different ways.

Giving is important. Sharing is important. What if it were you in their shoes? How would you feel? Be grateful for what you have and know that sharing, it just adds more value to…

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“IF THEY SERVE NO OTHER PURPOSE, UNKIND PEOPLE SHOW YOU HOW NOT TO BE.”  ~ Joyce Fields

(excerpted from “My Simple Quotes to Live By” – available at http://www.amazon.com [available on Kindle, too!] and http://www.GoodShortBooks.com)

All of us know some people who say and/or do mean, cruel things to other people. And some of these unkind people are in our own families. The things they say and do really shock and shame us. It’s as if they have no internal barometer to tell them that what they are saying or doing is mean, cruel, or unkind. Or maybe they don’t care. Or maybe they are hurting inside, so they hurt others.  Hurt people hurt people.

But these kinds of people really do serve a purpose. They show us what not to say or do to others. We can empathize with the targets of their cruelty.

So, we really should silently

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